It’s not secret that I manage, fight, struggle, have, and suffer from depression. More recently sucital type lows. I thought that what i have been battleing with recently was just another attack. But it seem mores strange this time becasue the idmmetate focus always came back to seucside be the best option to give me relive from the torment and suffering.
For the last couple of months…thoughts of suceide started to seem like the perfect solution for me. The though of returning ‘home’ seeemed to be my focus and the best solution. Living started to feel like suffering and the emeny was trying to get me to a place where my realiaity became…to live is to suffer. Side Note: he is a liar and he is the father of all lies. He has not other options or choices and his ultiment goal is to convent people/humans that there are no other options. He wants us to belives that we are limited.
I started thinking very ‘locially’ about why it would be best for me to leave here. And it all seemed to make perfectly good sence. The only thing that caused me to understand that death was not the purpose that God has for me was because He gave an amazing light in the for formations/maifestation of Justice. She is my world in that she imspires me to dig deeper and becaome a better, more evolived women so that I can inspire, lead by explame, and teach her to do the same.
What I am clear about at this very moment is… that you will see what you focus on. The main goal when you are being attacked by the spirit of depression is to make a committment to live. Make the choice to live and fight for live no matter what you face. On a more partical sicne…when you are in the througs of it… keep breathing, turn your foucse to some thing that is not man made…get in nature, take your shose off, conecct with what it real…dirt, treess, grass, water…the forces of nature. And talk to those that you can trust honestly…and trust God to give the wisdom to handle the moment appropreatly.
Because with you are in the throught of susical depresstion… reality become completley and entirely distored. Up becomes down and down becomes up. You need those who love you and thought that you can trust to guide you back from the edge. Because at the lowest places of susicdeal depression…you really down know how far out there that you have gone. And the people areound you will never how far out you’ve gone unless you tell them.
I don’t know if it’s all people who face depression or not…but the ability to mask is something that people (and espeically) those in leadership master doing. I toatally and completely understand who people can seem extremly and entirely happy, settled, calm, rational, content and complete and go home and take their lives minutes, and hour later. I dont’ just understand it…I overstand it. Part of the deceoptions of the mask can be that priviately you have made the deciosion and you are relived that you have come up with the perfect solution to end the torment and suffering. Infact you become excited about your new upsoming ‘transition’.
You don’t start there but that is where you end up. You start with if it did commit sucuscial… I am a worthless piece of shit… I don’t deserve life…I don’t deseve to tbe here…I don’t deserve the breath that I’m breathing…what I have I constributed to this world. This world/my family would be better off if I wasn’t here. If I did it…how would I do it without it being painful or me having to suffer until death is accomplished. (Sure nuff satant provide you with the perfect answer to acomplish his mission. The thing during these moments…is you don’t know that it’s his mission… You think that it is your mission because reality has become distroted but you can tell and you don’t notice it because you haven’t told anybody beacuse your feel that you are the only one. You feel that no one else can relate at all to your tourment and suffering. (I didnt use the word pain on purpose…beacuse the thruth is…when you get this low…you have gone numb. To feel pain in somecase wold actually be a blessing. When you get to this point/low… you start to feel like you are stuck inside of your body and mind.) People around you have absolutly no cluse how close you are to the edge of life that you have driffed to. NO KNOWS and they can’t tell. There are often times no cluses that they can pick up on becauswe you have become a master at pretending/masking.
The other thoughts that I started to have is …you shuold start planning your funeral to make it easy on your family. Write out your program and stuff like that. For the person who doesn’t suffer from suscuideal depressions… I have to say that in the mind of the depressed…these type of thoughts seem and feel perfectly and complety rational, logical… in our minds… This all makes complete sense. Infact it starts to feel like we are being considerate and helpful to those who we leave behind. Noticed that I used the words ‘leave behide’ because in our minds… it starts to feel like we are the lucky ones because we will be leaving here soon. It’s almost starts to feel like the unfortunutate thing is the people that we are leaving haven’t discovered the ‘solution’ that we’ve found to relieve and end the torment of suffering. (Again…total and complete reality distortion.)
If this is you…you really have to get some help if you are going to service depression. Depression is deadly and those that suffer often suffer in complete silence. Today is Sat. Jan. 30, 2021 at 10:59am. The last time I seriously had thoughts about death/susice was Mon. Jan. 25th…just 5 days ago. The unfortuant thing about all of this… When you been attacked by depression and or thoughs of scuside…you never know when the day could be the day that you are temped to just end it. (Right now, currently, not today but at this very moment in time (Sat. Jan. 30, 2021 at 11:05am)…I chose to live and I am a survier.)
Isolation and being quite about the depression, suffering and torment is dealthly.
I knew that I was slipping away when I started havoing thoughts like… “Your problem is…you don’t have the courage to do.” It’s like the enemy was saying to me… I’ve given you a solution… You know how to end it without being in pain. You just don’t have the courage to do it… you’re not stronge enought to do it…
Susciadal thoughs are like a path on journey that you’re on that leads straight to death. It’s like a race that you’re on to acommplish and gain relieve from the suffering. And along the way your get moment of destored perverse ‘insight’ to make the act of death an easy one. The unforant truth (that I’ve descoverd) so far with threay is… once you have condisered the act of suscide and you know how you would do it… the thoughts dont go away… It’s like a spirtital portalt of darkeness that has been opened. And every bad/challendge day that your experiences in life opens the door again to the “percfect solution” with moments of “encougaing insight” are there to “guid” you to death.
You have to get help and chose to live so that you can stay alife the the “oprrountity of death” is presented witch is in itself torment. There crzy thing is death starts to feel like the backup plan that you have to help you control and mangae your world because at any time you can leave/end it.
Chose to live…get help…you are NOT alone.