Today I am suffering. There are times that I battle, sometimes I suffer, sometimes I manage but today I am struggling with depression.
I haven’t taken my medicine in about 9 months or more. Most of the time I feel strong, insightful, resilient, informed and persuasive. But today thoughts of death came again to visit me. I am aware of it’s present but my ratoinal mind tells me to disregard it’s notions.
Today the enemy came to me and said… you don’t have to keep living like this. Who needs 2021? …You don’t have to suffer in this torment. You have the power to end it all.” At this point I found myself in level two of the spiral down. Level one came last week when my obsessive compulsiveness became intrusive and threaten my productivity at work. I found myself parallelized not able to send an simple email without obsessing about exactly when I should send it. (We are talking about a simple thank you note.) I knew then that spiral down was near. I reached out to one of my closed advisors to let them know that I was thinking about restarting my medicine.
When thoughts of death came to visit me… I thought ‘it’s time’. If you don’t take the medicine now you are going to spiral down until you hit a low that you will have to recover from. I’ve been there before. Debilitating depression. The type that parallelizes you…the kind that traps you inside of your body and silences your voice. It’s a darkness that threatens to kill you. It’s the heaviness that causes torment. It’s the repetitive thoughts of ‘you worthless piece of shit…why don’t you just end it already. You’re a fucking coward.”
It’s the type of depression that disrupts your life and keeps you from moving forward. It’s the type of torment that keeps you in the bed for hours that turn into day that turn into weeks… that just go on and on until time, moments and opportunities are lost and squandered. It’s the relentless thought that ‘you are nothing but a failure’. The spirit of depression seeks to torment you. It’s goal is for you seek death or welcome it.